It would be easier...

Now don't get me wrong, I can voice my opinions as well as the next person... obviously from my angry previous venting.
If you are one of those people who think that I have it all together and that I must be a very confident self assured independent woman (hear me roar!)... then I have played my hand perfectly! That is just what I want you to believe!

The reality is, I am hopelessly flawed and I, more than anyone else, know this to be true. One of the many problems I have with myself is (now don't get on my case about self confidence being a turn on and what makes a woman more attractive, blah blah...everybody says that but who is really that self confident?) I feel a great need to be liked by anyone and everyone that I come into contact with. If a person does not like me... my world is crushed! How can people not like me, I am good enough... I am smart enough... and gosh darnit, well you get the picture.

The Man always tells me that I shouldn't care what people think. He informs me that not everybody is going to like me... it's just people. I don't listen to him, I put my fingers in my ears and close my eyes (otherwise I would read his lips) and sing the "La, la, la...la, la, la... I can't hear youoooo..." song. There must be people out there who are loved by all, and I think I could be one of them! Why not? What's so wrong with wanting people to like you and agree with everything you say? I don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as it is my opinions they are agreeing with...

The Man thinks life would be easier without friends. He says that friends take time and effort and he doesn't have time. He says I shouldn't care what people think of me, he doesn't. He honestly doesn't let peoples opinions of him affect him. I don't know how to do that! I don't want to do that! Just because it's easier doesn't mean it's better! Isn't that part of the fun of life? Falling down along the way and having people there to help you back up. If you didn't have friends who would you laugh until you almost wet yourself with? Calm down, I said "almost". Who would be there to tell you that you are being ridiculous (other than your mother of course) when you get angry about something that someone has done or said?

If you would so choose to post a negative comment about something I write, that is fine, just realize that it will hit me hard, it will make me want to quit writing because I can't imagine that someone doesn't like me! I won't quit, I shall persevere, I'm not going to let it get me down even though I may want to crawl back into bed, under the covers and feel sorry for myself... but then I will eventually pull myself back out and maybe even sing a song like, "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride..." or "We are the champions my friend...". On a side note, how are those for earworms? ;)

Maybe The Man is right (yes, I said it) and it would be easier, maybe it would make for a lot less heartache, tears and worry. Whatever the consequences, I choose not to take that path, I am going to take the hard way and experience it all along the way!

p.s. I am trying something new with the blog, everyday I have ridiculous thoughts pop into my head that I think would be great for a blog idea... suddenly something else pops into my head and out pops the idea, so I am going to write my idea on my hand, or whatever else I have handy and take a picture of it and post it on here so you can see the way my mind processes and gets to certain points. It may not always be pretty but it should be interesting, thanks for reading!
~A

Women of the world...unite!

This thought has been building up for quite some time in the recesses of my mind, nagging a little bit every day but never enough to actually force me to write a message on my thoughts. There have been a few things that have happened recently to aquaintances of mine that make it impossible to ignore. Now it has taken over my entire thought process so that it is on my mind every minute of the day. It is bubbling up and I must write something about it. I may have very few followers of my blog but for anybody interested... WARNING: The post you are about to read comes from a deep seated anger and may have a tendency to rant and ramble.

Who or what in the world ever gave women the idea that we are supposed to surrender our entire identity to a man? Why would you ever give up everything that makes you a person in your own sense and let your significant other define you? Is it something that the religious sect has pounded into the heads of women, "the weaker sex", for so long that they are finally starting to believe it?? I know that the old fashioned lifestyle is to be the woman at home, take care of the children and the house, cook and clean and keep your family happy, healthy and functioning. Now I am not knocking that lifestyle for anyone who chooses it, I live that lifestyle. I am a stay at home mother, I do the laundry, I cook, clean, help with homework, make my husband get to bed when he has been up for 30 hours straight and try to keep the house quiet so he can get his much needed sleep. For the most part, it is very fulfilling for myself, it is the life we chose when we got married and decided we were going to have children that we did not want to put into child care. I am not complaining, I think I do my job reasonably well. I do not bring in a paycheck. I do not have a schedule I have to keep, and yes some days I could take a nap, read a book, or go out to lunch with a girlfriend if that is what I decide to do. But it does in no way make me less of a person than my husband. It does not make me lazy, my job is hard... it is emotionally taxing, I am on the clock at all times. The boys wake up in the night? I am there. The school calls and someone is sick? I am there. My husband comes home sick from work, dinner needs to get done, one of the kids classes needs snacks, the boys need clean pants for the next day, there is math homework and spelling words that need work... I am there. I have gotten off of the subject that I had originally started on, I will go back. Appreciating what at home moms do is a whole other blog in itself...

The reason I was writing this is because so many women have decided that they are lucky to have a man. Lucky to have someone who loves them or at least pretends. Why??? Why are we the lucky ones? Why isn't it men and women both who are the lucky ones to have found someone who loves them just as they are, accepting all our flaws. Men and women both have a whole long list of flaws it is not just one sex. Why don't men say, I appreciate everything you do for me. What has made women decide to give up their independence because that's what they think a man wants. They stay home and don't go anywhere because their man may possibly come home and see them for an hour. They ask permission to go out of the house, or buy something, or do something with their children. They feel guilty when they spend money that should rightfully be half theirs. They keep their hair a certain length or style, they dress a certain way, they keep their house clean because heaven forbid a man would think it wasn't done the right way. They lose themselves. They give up everything and become So-and-so's wife... and that is all they are. And then if their man decides he doesn't like them anymore, they are devastated, they lose all semblance of reality and go out of their way... giving 200% just to keep him happy. "Oh, you want me to drop all my plans because you decided to give me an hour of your time?" of course! Let me shave my legs and put on something pretty so you will actually love me! "You think I have gained weight?" Let me do a juice fast for a couple days so that you will like me again. "Can I go out with my friends shopping for the day?" No... ok well why don't I stay home with you and cook and clean for you, why don't you lay down and take a nap while I do your laundry.... the list goes on and on.
I am not a feminist by nature but I do believe that we women as a gender have given ourselves a bad rap. We are the only ones that allow ourselves to be treated as less than other people. Control over ourselves cannot be taken, we have to give it and that is what so many are doing every day. I am worthwhile. I have my own personality that is not defined in any way by my husband. My sense of humor may not always be appreciated by him or other people but that doesn't mean that I am going to change it just so he likes me and smiles at me. Our differences are what makes us such amazing, mysterious creatures...do not give that up to try to please men! And men, do not think for one minute that a woman is any less amazing and talented than you are. Don't ever put her under your thumb because it makes your life easier... you are taking the essence of the woman and losing the wonder of what we are. Women, take back your lives! Take back yourselves...let your actions define you, not who you are in a man's eyes!!!

Another day..more paniting

It's morning, the boys are off to school, I had my breakfast (I am not a breakfast eater. I never have been, I don't think I ever will be. I know, I know...breakfast is the most important meal of my day and all that... so I am going against my own gut instinct and following a new eating plan where I have to eat breakfast. No options, no excuses, must consume breakfast) and now I am trying to gear myself up and get inspired so that I can take on some more painting. I am doing a little bit every day. I tend to get burned out the way I go all gung-ho about my new hobbies and then I stop altogether and never touch it again... so I am changing my ways and trying to give myself a better chance of sticking to something. Here is the next stage of my current project, stay tuned for more...

Creating

For Christmas I decided that I wanted to take on a new project. A couple of months ago I bought a couple of books on acrylic and figured why not try something different. I have dabbled with painting in the past. I saw some pieces by an amazing watercolor artist and decided that was probably my calling, it was destiny, nevermind the fact that I have no experience or even talent in it. I tried. Everyone was very supportive, they helped me out and got me an easel, paints and brushes. When I decide that I am going to take something on I go all in, feet first I close my eyes and jump all the way in. So I painted and painted, they all turned out terrible, some would tell me how much they loved them and how talented I was... I did not believe them. See, I am very hard on my own work, I have to be! If I did not see all the mistakes and expect better of myself how would I ever grow or get any better? So, after trying and trying to force myself to be the watercolor genius I once believed I was... I have moved on. To be honest, I HATE painting with watercolor, it is too tame. I want to be able to put paint on my hands and fling it at the paper if that is what I am feeling.

I am taking on acrylic, so far I like it a million times more with the one piece I have started than all the other pieces I attempted with watercolor...

Here is the beginning of my new piece-

-you will just have to watch and see how it turns out and what

it may turn into.

In an effort to encourage my creativity I am trying to post my previous works, and as they come along I will post my current projects also.

Here is another journal I have done...

Journals...

The first art journal cover I designed. I designed it for myself with the intention of filling the inside with all my creative thoughts...I found out that I prefer to make the covers and leave the insides for someone else. I have made a few for friends as gifts and other friends and brothers are starting to request them, looks like I will have more to keep me busy. Looking forward to it!

The journal I designed for my brother's girlfriend, Monique.