Saturday, March 28, 2009

Why is it that my mood for music never matches my visual interests? Everytime I put up a new song, which is pretty often, it never goes with the theme of the layout I have. Is it possible to feel pretty and be rocking out inside? I think so. I have a flowery, girly layout and then I have a rock song (one of my favorites actually). Could it be that I have not discovered exactly who I am yet? Am I more complex than I thought I was? I think I have layers of deepness that no one, including myself, has discovered yet. Now it may seem like I am putting too much thought into "myself" but once every so often I think it is a good idea to turn your thoughts to yourself, otherwise won't you get lost in the world around you? I know that I could easily lose myself.
Who am I? To other people and to my family and even to myself I am a mother and wife. That is what I do, that is what I talk about, that is what my days are full of, I don't have alot of time to think about who I am outside of that and there aren't many people who ever see anything except that. But I am more, I am so much more than that.
I am sitting here just emptying my random thoughts more for myself than anyone else, I need to form them into words and write them down someplace so they don't just sink back into the deep, dark, mostly untouched thoughts that get pushed aside during the day. I don't have the time or energy to try to drag them out and make sense of them most days, I am cooking and cleaning, and catering to the boys needs... by the end of the day when Isaac and Ethan go to bed and Matt leaves for work I am so mentally and emotionally drained. I can't imagine delving into my own emotions and thoughts, so I zone out and watch tv because that doesn't take any effort. But how long can I go on doing that before that is all I become, if you don't use your mind and your creative abilities do they work as smoothly. I think my mind is clear enough now to blog because I spent 45 minutes on the treadmill, exercise always seems to clear my mind and lift my spirits.
Even if this doesn't make sense to anyone else it sure has helped me to say it out loud. I am more than mom, I am deep and thoughtful and creative. I have more to offer myself, my friends, and the world than just being the mother of Isaac and Ethan, and being the wife of Matt. I will find a way to let it out, let myself go. All that rocking out that is going on inside will find a way to come out. All my pretty feelings and thoughts will find a way to express themselves. I love myspace because I can do some of these things and nobody can question why would I do that? Because I can say, THIS IS ME, and I am worth taking notice of.

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