A passing thought.

Is it possible for another person to know the real you? Now by "real you" I mean, the you that you hide deep inside, the one that has doubts that are never voiced out loud and fears that never see the light of day. I know there are things I keep to myself even with my closest loved ones who already know most of my dark secrets. There are a few thoughts that I cannot put into words, a few fears that I don't think anyone else would ever understand. If you keep those deep fears and doubts to yourself than they can never really exist, can they? They can't be real until they are turned into thought and then made into spoken words, or is that just lying to myself telling me that? If I admitted to myself a little more often that it is OK to fail, it is OK for things to not always go as planned then maybe the perfect world that I build in my head (and real life never measures up to) wouldn't come crashing down around me when I slip and can't hold up one of the walls. What would happen if we actually aired out those things that we hold so close inside locked up in some place nobody else can ever find? Would we be judged and persecuted for thinking such an awful thing? If I were to be completely honest with myself and step out from my denial would I realize that I am not so different from everyone else? Does ever other person have the same thoughts? If you actually believe that someone out there knows everything about you, EVERYTHING, then you are a bigger person than I. I do have my choice few that I can share almost anything with. Almost being the key word. If you are the type that would voice any and every thought and feeling in your head and heart do you think others would be interested or get bored and annoyed by it?

Who done it?

So we had my brother and his family over tonight for tacos and a few exhiliarating games of clue. What a fun evening it was, even though I resisted the temptation of root beer floats. I am stronger than I thought. I know it's impolite to stare but I couldn't help myself, that dark foam calling my name, the rich color at the bottom of the glass just waiting for you to get past the spoonfuls of crystallized ice cream and take a sip... oh, as I was saying, we played a few games of clue. I have not played that game since I was very young. I ended up being the murderer two out of three times. I don't know if that says anything about me, but for what it's worth I used an axe. If you think about the actual game it is very disturbing. These people are at a party and they sneak around starting rumors about random people (wrongfully most of the time) and random grotesque weapons. And what about the murderer?? In the spa, with an axe or a baseball bat?? In the kitchen, with a candlestick?? Who ever came up with that game, and did they end up in prison for actually doing the things that they thought of for a game? What if it was a big cover-up? Oh I have a great idea for a game... yes we will kill people in all sorts of wonderful, uh... I mean terrible ways! It gives me a tickle in my stomach just thinking of the weapons I could use, errr... the fun people would have with their imaginations playing the game, yes that's what I meant. Sick! It was fun even so. I lost. Three games and I didn't win a single one... I hate losing.

Summmmer.

Sitting in the sun, there are clouds in the sky but it is still hot. The sun goes behind a cloud for a few minutes and a little breeze picks up. I raise my face to feel the cool air blow across it. There is the sound of a lawnmower somewhere in the neighborhood and a slight smell of fresh cut grass travels on the wind.
I hear the laughter and squeals of children.
The cloud passes and the sun makes me squint. It's hot again, I can feel it on my skin warm and bright. I gaze out at the field full of corn, the tops sway with the breeze. The neighbors sunflowers are tall and starting to bend, bowing their heads from the weight of the giant yellow flowers the size of a dinner plate.
A dog is barking, I shift and feel my back stick to the chair. There are two butterflies dancing in the air across the yard letting the wind toss them right to left. There are more clouds in the sky now, maybe we will get rain tonight. It's supposed to be even warmer tomorrow...

-Amber

I have a serious love for a good book. Actually it doesn't even have to be "good", just enough to hold my attention until I get interested and want to know how it ends and I am hooked. I disappear into another world. I cannot seem to tear myself away from it. If I am forced to tear myself away (and trust me it happens seeing how the responsibilities of everyday life and taking care of a man and two mini-men doesn't just suspend in time until I am finished) I am a very unpleasant person to be around. All that I can think of is getting back to my book. Back to the story, back to my "friends".
The reason that I am thinking of this now is because I just finished a good book. I had a sort of epiphany I guess, I had never actually been able to put my finger on what happens to me when I finish reading something that I get so engrossed in. I am sad, lonely, restless, and bored. I feel like I lost a hobby or a friend or a part of me. I would love to dive right into another book to fill the gaping hole that not having something to read has left but then my real life suffers. Matt doesn't allow me to start new books very often. I think the only time he doesn't complain is when I haven't read one in a while and he forgets how consumed I get.
So, what do I do now? Do I wander around the house doing silly, meaningless things such as... feeding the family, doing laundry, washing dishes, talking to human beings, making eye contact, showering... or do I start another book? If you ask me what I WANT to do, it would be to curl up someplace where nobody can find me and read a book cover to cover without even looking up from it. I think I should probably stick to what I SHOULD do, instead of doing what my heart desires, and rejoin the land of the living. I will leave the land of words that let you imagine it however your mind sees it, I have to for the sanity of my family, but I will not be able to stay away for long...
-Amber

Melt me!

May I just say that Michael Buble's voice sounds just like smooth butter. His song "Lost" is the one currently playing on my page. It also happens to be my favorite, FAVORITE song. Couldn't you just close your eyes and feel this song all day long, not even listen to it, but feel it, be it, immerse yourself in it? I feel it deep inside, deep down in the core of myself. Does that sound disturbing to some of you? Maybe to all of you.
Matt and I were driving somewhere in the car the other day and I had this song playing off of my ipod, one of the best purchases I have made in a long time is my car attachment so that I can listen to my music in the car when the mood strikes, so I just blurted out, "His voice is just like butter." I didn't think it sounded that strange, it makes complete sense to me. Matt just started laughing, he thinks I'm a freak. :) He loves me but he does not understand me. So I just thought I would put it down in writing so that everyone of my friends can wonder what is wrong with me. If you know exactly what I am saying when I talk like that, good!!!! I am glad you feel music in your soul. That's where it should be felt, not just the surface, just the listening with your ears or liking the words a little. No, deep down, in your stomach, in your blood, makes you want to close your eyes and just be the music. Makes me wish I could sing. I try, but I wish I really could... I wish I had a voice that could make people feel the way that I am trying to explain. I guess that is not my calling, I must have other hidden talents that are yet to be unearthed and discovered, maybe I am an unbelievable gymnast?? I will have to test it out and see.
Hope my thoughts are not too scattered to be understood. ~A

Road trip!

Are you at all interested to hear what I enjoy about road trips? Even if you are not interested I am still going to tell you, and I think that you will finish reading...
I love getting snacks, drinking soda, watching the scenery go by, looking at all the houses, eating candy, watching people in their cars and then pretending that I wasn't staring at them when they look at me, going through big cities, rocking out to the radio, sleeping kids, having my husband trapped for hours in the car with me so he has to talk to me and listen to me talk, laughing about ridiculous things, air conditioning when it's hot and heat when it's cold, wind flying through the open windows, seeing animals in the fields, restaurants along the way, tourist traps with gift shops, fast moving traffic, living out of a suitcase for the first few days, staying other places...
What I do not like about road trips...
Bathroom breaks, truck stop bathrooms, traffic jams, broken heat or holes in your car, gas prices, fast food, too much junk food, too much soda, crying kids, angry drivers, people who drive like me, fighting with the husband who is stuck in the car with you so you can't storm out to prove a point, angry silences, leg cramps, stuffy vehicles, strange noises from your vehicle, policemen, living out of a suitcase for the last few days, not having my own bed, speed limits, chicago at rush hour, people who stare at me, people who flip me off and curse silently behind closed windows... wait that's me.
I think every car should have a little screen on top of their tv and you can type in what you are thinking, for instance, "Driver of the small yellow car, would you please pay attention, the speed limit is 65 NOT 43, also could you stay in your own lane, I would like to avoid getting a dent that matches the one on your front end. Oh and by the way, GET OFF OF MY TAIL!!!!" I think I will look into inventing those, they'll be the next big thing!

The complications of bathrooms...

So I decided to redecorate my bathrooms, well more like update. Do you know how many colors and styles of bathroom rugs and towels there are out there? It is harder than you would think to pick a color to match something you already have and be positive that once it is in there and layed on the floor with all the matching accessories, that it will look pulled together like it did in my imagination when I was telling myself I could "totally" be an interior designer.
I have a palm tree shower curtain and I have had sand colored mats in there for the longest time, which was all fine and good but it needed something more, it was a little bland. I have also had blue and yellow towels in that bathroom from way back when, when we got married I did a tropical fish bathroom (hasn't every person who has lived on their own done a tropical fish bathroom at one time or another?) and never changed the towels. It was time for an upgrade.
I loaded the boys in the car and we headed out on our adventure, thinking this is going to be a piece of cake. We went to target and I bought each of the boys a bag of cheeto's and a bottle of water, to cut down on whining and fighting, and we headed to the bathroom stuff aisle. Do you know how many colors of green towels there are? There are mint green, lime green, neon green, dark green, blue green, forest green, olive green, and I still could not find the color I wanted. Also the only bathroom mats they had are the cheap ones that get flattened if you step on them with wet feet and they don't hold their shape very well, so I nixed that and we moved on to kohl's. Here is where the fun happens, the boys were done with their cheeto's and ready to get food and go home but I just had to find the right colors. So I put them both into a double cart stroller, looking ridiculous with my tall 6 year old loaded into a stroller thing, it was his choice though, he wanted to sit in it. So they are hitting each other over the front and back of their seats and kicking each other underneath, sticking their hands out and grabbing things as we go by them, grabbing edges of shelves so it makes me stop short. (so I take a deep breath and count to ten, I would rather not have the people in kohl's see me freak out at my kids) Isaac is shoving his feet underneath the cart as I'm pushing it and then he complains when it hurts? Hmmmm...
We get to the bathroom stuff aisle and there I am again, in a conundrum with the walls and walls of colors and textures. My sister in law, Grace, called looking for Matt and I had to ask, "What should I do, green or brown?" She said green which I was leaning towards, so I went with it. As my boys are crying that they are hungry and want to go home, leaning their heads out of the side of the cart and asking me what would happen if I hit the wall with their heads, I decided to go with a beautiful dark green, makes you think of glossy palm fronds. I found two gigantic green bath towels, that are actually too long to look decent hanging on my towel rod but, that's the way it is, they wrap around the boys nicely when they are wet and complaining of being "freezing". I found a rug and a toilet seat cover to go along with it and we were on our way! Hooray! My bathroom looks lovely and warm with the cushy green rug and seat cover.
So to any of you looking into bathroom upgrades, beware! Especially if you have children that need to be dragged along, or even husbands or significant others that will whine "Are you done yet? Can we go now? I want candy!!"
As we were walking out we walked by the kitchen rug aisle.... don't even get me started on that!!!!
I know that everyone reading this is envious because I have so much going on in my life, the writing materials I have are endless. My next blog might possibly be about "The art of cleaning a toilet and surrounding areas" ... be on the look out!

Why is it that my mood for music never matches my visual interests? Everytime I put up a new song, which is pretty often, it never goes with the theme of the layout I have. Is it possible to feel pretty and be rocking out inside? I think so. I have a flowery, girly layout and then I have a rock song (one of my favorites actually). Could it be that I have not discovered exactly who I am yet? Am I more complex than I thought I was? I think I have layers of deepness that no one, including myself, has discovered yet. Now it may seem like I am putting too much thought into "myself" but once every so often I think it is a good idea to turn your thoughts to yourself, otherwise won't you get lost in the world around you? I know that I could easily lose myself.
Who am I? To other people and to my family and even to myself I am a mother and wife. That is what I do, that is what I talk about, that is what my days are full of, I don't have alot of time to think about who I am outside of that and there aren't many people who ever see anything except that. But I am more, I am so much more than that.
I am sitting here just emptying my random thoughts more for myself than anyone else, I need to form them into words and write them down someplace so they don't just sink back into the deep, dark, mostly untouched thoughts that get pushed aside during the day. I don't have the time or energy to try to drag them out and make sense of them most days, I am cooking and cleaning, and catering to the boys needs... by the end of the day when Isaac and Ethan go to bed and Matt leaves for work I am so mentally and emotionally drained. I can't imagine delving into my own emotions and thoughts, so I zone out and watch tv because that doesn't take any effort. But how long can I go on doing that before that is all I become, if you don't use your mind and your creative abilities do they work as smoothly. I think my mind is clear enough now to blog because I spent 45 minutes on the treadmill, exercise always seems to clear my mind and lift my spirits.
Even if this doesn't make sense to anyone else it sure has helped me to say it out loud. I am more than mom, I am deep and thoughtful and creative. I have more to offer myself, my friends, and the world than just being the mother of Isaac and Ethan, and being the wife of Matt. I will find a way to let it out, let myself go. All that rocking out that is going on inside will find a way to come out. All my pretty feelings and thoughts will find a way to express themselves. I love myspace because I can do some of these things and nobody can question why would I do that? Because I can say, THIS IS ME, and I am worth taking notice of.

Christmas!

How I adore Christmas and all that comes along with it. I know that so many people get tired of it, and all the hassles. Everybody says it is so commercialized, I don't care. I will buy into it all.
I put up a Christmas tree, and put lights and ornaments on it. I know that it has nothing to do with the birth of Christ to have a lighted tree in your house. I still love it! I buy presents for my kids and for anyone else that I can think of and get away with spending money on. I hang lights outside my house and every time that I drive up and see the lights shining and twinkling at night, I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach.
I could drive around all night just to look at other people's Christmas lights. Even the tacky ones that are a jumbled mess with no rhyme or reason to their colors or pattern. They make me feel happy.
It may be a hassle, and I know that their are people who have deep seated religious reasons to not celebrate, it doesn't faze me. It is worth it all to have my family come from far away to be with me, to have friends sending cards with updated pictures of them and theirs, to have reasons to bake and decorate cookies and excuses to eat foods that you only eat once or twice a year, to overindulge and to say to strangers "Merry Christmas" and have them say it back. I LOVE it!
I wish that everyone could feel the joy that I feel about the whole season. I know that not everyone does, but I think that I enjoy it enough to make up for all those that don't.

-Amber